75 Ends

26 January 2017

I had a bad evening and poor sleep last night but it is interesting how the downs always generate new insights.
Insight #1 - If I'm going to chew a spoonful of delicious home made marmalade for a dinner treat, spit it all out and don't accidentally swallow any of the rind or it will get stuck in your throat!  It was unpleasant but it made me realize how little my swallowing has recovered and I started thinking about being stuck on tube feeding for the rest of my life. Pretty negative thinking for a psychologist!

I am feeling better now because on waking I chose to give myself at least 6 months to recover instead of wallowing in self pity.

While driving into town today to get my eyes checked I was thinking about the cycle of life which is an expansion followed by contraction. After we are born our abilities blossom and expand in many different directions but the process slows down and a contraction eventually begins. We gradually go into reverse and our health fails in different ways as we age.

My eye check today showed that my eyes are perfect and I still have better than normal vision. It doesn't fool me though because I have quite good evidence that other body systems are showing signs of age and malfunction. Anyone involved in sports sees this clearly.  I am not running marathons any more.  I am not running, I am not even jogging right now. Walking is it!

There is something intriguing though about that end point. In Cheryl's meditation retreats it is taught that full awareness is only realized once we can remain perfectly still. It's as though while we are in a blur of motion and activity in mid life we miss much of importance. Perhaps the important learning only has a chance when we are going slower near the end of life and can see the world with our calm attention; just like when we were babies. I must say that despite the hardships I am having now, I am learning so much and am excited to see the revelations of each new day. Life is good!