79 Another Brick in the Wall

3 February 2017



I suppose I have to do a Blog about yesterday in the hospital after getting so excited about the event.
I didn't consciously  feel anxious but I had enough body signs of disturbance that I asked Cheryl to drive part of the way to the hospital.  It wasn't a difficult surgery but the thought of it was hard to manage. Now I have a pipe just below my rib cage with a direct line to my stomach.

I am finding one of the big advantages, apart from appearance, is that I can feed faster. It was taking up to 2 hours  to have each meal but now it's about half the time. It's nice to have the free time. The appearance part is good because I can pretend I am normal. The only disadvantage is the lack of sympathy I get for my condition. I should carry a little card around to show people stating that I haven't been able to eat or drink anything- including Cheese, for several months.


The incision will be sore for several days and I have to be very careful about coughing because it causes considerable pain. I managed well all yesterday evening but just as I was falling asleep I had a vigorous cough that cause severe pain. for about 15 minutes.  I am now taking some cough medicine to reduce the coughing and it is helping.

78 The more things change....

1 February 2017

The previous two days were not pleasant. My energy level was the lowest due to the steroid withdrawal. I am a little concerned because tomorrow I have the surgery for the stomach tube.
Fortunately today I am feeling more energy so I think I will be fine for tomorrow. I even felt well enough for a walk around the island. Cheryl insisted on coming with me because of my stimulating company - just joking - watching the snow laden trees and the yellow beams of sunlight fully occupied my brain into silence! I think she came so she could dial 911 in case I collapsed into a snowbank.




It will be a relief to get rid of the nose tube because at least superficially I won't feel like someone on life support. In reality nothing changes; it's just that you can't see the life support system.
Tomorrow I have to phone the pharmacy to order more of the special formula that keeps me going. Without that I would starve to death.



There isn't such a big difference between us though because our planet is our life support system. We are doing many things that are seriously harming that system. Even the air we breathe in some of the larger cities is toxic and venturing out without a filter mask could have serious health consequences. It is interesting how careful we are about our own health but we are happily going to burn all the fossil fuels so that our grandchildren will have quite a survival challenge. The future is in our hands!

77 Chemicals

29 January 2017


I have been off the steroids for 2 days now and my own haven't re-started yet. The great thing about them is that they make you feel 30 years younger. However, when you stop taking them, you feel 30 years older! So right now I feel about 99.

It's much easier to manage when I know the reason I am feeling so low and knowing that I will recover over the next while. I do have a tendency to take on too much but don't be concerned because right now feeding and sleeping pretty well fill my agenda!  

Cheryl is down in London for a few days spending time with her sisters and delivering paintings to a gallery for a show. Mike is here for 2 weeks and we are enjoying a very relaxing time together. Today we were drone flying in the living room. Mike is way better than me because he plays video games and is used to the flight controller.


On the topic of  how chemicals affect our body I was reading about how contact with pets releases hormones. Studies have shown stroking a cat does cause a release of oxytocin in both humans and our animal companions, which is often called the "love hormone."

It's certainly true that our cat Blaze is great company and he is so affectionate. It's nice to know that he is helping in my recovery in a purely natural way.

76 Lifeline

27 January 2017

I was thinking today that with my current problem of not being able to swallow I wouldn't survive long in the primitive wild even if I could find roots, bugs and small animals to consume. I guess most of us would perish if we were catapulted back in time by 20,000 years but some of us would adapt to the loss of Tim Horton's and Burger King.

It's dinner time now and that's perhaps why I mention Burger King. They do a delicious Veggie Burger and I could just eat one right now instead of sitting under this drip feed of beige goop! I have introduced the BK Veggie to several people and they all liked it. It's different and in the USA it's not as good --  CANADA FIRST!

This got me thinking about my parents. If it were not for modern medicine my father would have died of type 1 diabetes at age 38  instead of 81 and my mother would have died at 42 of ovarian cancer instead of 94. For my mother all that was required was surgery. My father spent the final 43 years of his life having a daily injection of insulin to keep him alive. His timing was lucky because insulin had only been in general use for few years when he  became ill.

I do feel a special kinship with my father now as my survival depends on this fragile plastic tube. Even if we are lucky enough to have good health and never need medical intervention, our modern society has extended our lives in so many ways. We are very fortunate compared to all previous generations.

75 Ends

26 January 2017

I had a bad evening and poor sleep last night but it is interesting how the downs always generate new insights.
Insight #1 - If I'm going to chew a spoonful of delicious home made marmalade for a dinner treat, spit it all out and don't accidentally swallow any of the rind or it will get stuck in your throat!  It was unpleasant but it made me realize how little my swallowing has recovered and I started thinking about being stuck on tube feeding for the rest of my life. Pretty negative thinking for a psychologist!

I am feeling better now because on waking I chose to give myself at least 6 months to recover instead of wallowing in self pity.

While driving into town today to get my eyes checked I was thinking about the cycle of life which is an expansion followed by contraction. After we are born our abilities blossom and expand in many different directions but the process slows down and a contraction eventually begins. We gradually go into reverse and our health fails in different ways as we age.

My eye check today showed that my eyes are perfect and I still have better than normal vision. It doesn't fool me though because I have quite good evidence that other body systems are showing signs of age and malfunction. Anyone involved in sports sees this clearly.  I am not running marathons any more.  I am not running, I am not even jogging right now. Walking is it!

There is something intriguing though about that end point. In Cheryl's meditation retreats it is taught that full awareness is only realized once we can remain perfectly still. It's as though while we are in a blur of motion and activity in mid life we miss much of importance. Perhaps the important learning only has a chance when we are going slower near the end of life and can see the world with our calm attention; just like when we were babies. I must say that despite the hardships I am having now, I am learning so much and am excited to see the revelations of each new day. Life is good!

74 Rollercoaster

24 January 2017

I visited my wonderful family doctor to discuss the continuing problems with the pain medication schedule.which still meant 2 wakings per night. Monitoring showed that the Fentanyl patch was providing exactly half my requirement so he doubled the dose. Now I only apply a new patch once every three days!  What a relief! I can sleep through the night, at least if the cat didn't pounce on me asking to  be fed. Here is a video of the event - just click the link-
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jrq03XENSdY

However this next few days could be difficult because I have started tapering off the steroids. I also seem to have some
more chest congestion and coughing which I hope clears quickly. But nothing is ever perfect! Cheryl thinks I am pretty close! (And so is She).

73 Medication and Food

22 January 2017


Today was a day of contrasts. This morning we had a great visit with Richard & Christiane from Ottawa with a walk around the island followed by refreshments. I had a few sips of coffee and a tiny nibble on one of Mattea's delicious cookies.  After our friends left, I set up my lunch drip feed and near the end I was very sleepy so lay down in bed to take a short nap at about 1:00pm with my drip feed still running.

That was a mistake!

Now that I am on a low dose Fentanyl patch I need to add morphine to maintain the right level. So I woke at 3:30pm from my nap, missing my noon morphine dose. The result was a state of sudden withdrawal. It was like falling into a pit of pain, misery, confusion and disorientation with no escape. With great difficulty I found the medication and 15 minutes later I was feeling much recovered.  It convinced me that withdrawal from pain medication must be slow. I'm on a low dose so withdrawal for addicts must be the worst feeling.


23 January 2017

Today I had some further thoughts about the delights of eating. I still have pangs of mourning about my current tube feeding fate and I am trying to find ways to cope in case it doesn't resolve itself. Yesterday's experience with friends along with sipping coffee and cookie consumption was so pleasant and it reminded me that much of our past social activity is associated with eating. The one thing I really miss is the Waterview restaurant in Long Sault where they serve the best Chicken Souvlaki and perfect breakfasts! 

Thinking that I can't eat is too simple an analysis because eating has at least four separate components. As well as the social part, the main pleasure is enjoying the aroma and flavour of good food and this is all completed while chewing in the mouth. Swallowing comes next and finally digestion for the body's energy needs. Swallowing itself isn't a pleasure laden activity. It is just the brief but essential movement of the food to the stomach. This makes me realize that I can chew all my favourite foods and enjoy the delicious tastes so long as I don't swallow! So, when I join you for meals in the next while I will bring a fork and a spittoon and sample all the dishes that you have ordered while enjoying a good visit. I hope you don't mind sharing and, the spitting!