81 Weeds

14 February 2017

I am usually positive and optimistic in the Blog but I do have a constant struggle with negative and pessimistic thinking. Those thoughts are like weeds growing in my garden and it is only by constant maintenance that I can stay positive. The main problem that currently erodes my sense of progress is the slow recovery of my ability to swallow following the radiation.

Yesterday I spoke with the Speech Pathologist about another X-Ray swallowing test but we agreed that there had not been enough progress to justify a re-test, yet. Before the call I had done a test by measuring 25ml of water into a glass and I tried to drink it as fast as possible. It took me just 38 seconds which is definite progress. The only problem is that 25ml is about one good mouthful so it's actually pathetic performance (Negative thought); but an improvement compared to my last test (Positive thought)! Slow drinking might be fine for a quality wine but it's not enough to keep me adequately nourished (Negative) but in time a full recovery is possible (Positive). My visiting nurse, Linda said she had worked with a lot of patients with the same problem and they all recovered within 6 months.

Our human tendency to focus on short term goals and not respond well to long term goals is a mixed blessing. It makes even the best intentioned of us respond poorly to far off issues like climate change. It is a big help though in managing and dismissing thoughts about death; the inevitable end of all our goals and efforts. I do think that by trying to manage each short term problem in a positive way I will be able to find a way to die well when the time comes.
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